Steven Sabados is a handsome charmer with muscular forearms. What he is not is straight.
Women say they are fine with this. Ha. What they really want is for Sabados to change jerseys and play for Team Hetero.
I know about women's dark desire because lately I've been watching Steven and Chris, the daytime CBC show about decorating, cooking and relationships, hosted by Sabados and his longtime partner Chris Hyndman.
When the boys bound on stage to open the show, the audience -- about 98 per cent female -- stands and roars. They hoot and clap until their hands are raw.
I see how they eyeball Sabados. It's not a look that says: "Can't wait for the arts-and-crafts segment." No. What's in their eyes is: "I could make him happy, if he'd only let me."
The show's audience is a testament to Canada's multiculturalism. There are stylishly dressed women wearing hijabs, grandmotherly types grinning like they hit the Chardonnay hard at lunch, and college women with dewy complexions. Age, religion, ethnicity -- none of it matters when it comes to their longing to take big, yummy bites out of Sabados.
Hyndman himself is no mope. He's kind and generous and quick with a joke.
"It's not entirely straight," a crafter said on one show, checking the seam Hyndman had sewn on a tote bag.
"Neither am I, honey, neither am I," he said. Cracked the place up.
I was trying to find spring-training baseball when I came across Steven and Chris, not looking to "add some fabulous to my life," as the show promises on its website.
I stuck around because everyone was having such fun.
One regular on the show is finance expert Gail Vaz-Oxlade, who dispenses tough-love advice on money matters. Have you lent money to a family member? Fretting about repayment?
Chances are that cash is gone for good, Vaz-Oxlade says. If the money comes back to you, it will be a minor miracle.
Vaz-Oxlade also has some advice about how to get smart about your taxes: Get a copy of the Canada Tax Guide and keep it at hand in the bathroom.
"Read one page when you have a poop," she suggested on a recent show. That's not an offer that comes along every day.
Another regular is Dr. Ali Zentner, who offers tips on losing weight without losing your mind. Zentner kicks holes in the drown-hunger-pangs-with-water theory.
"That's what you want when you're hungry -- a glass of water," Zentner says in a "yeah, right" tone.
Then there's the delightful Hina Khan, relationship expert. She and Hyndman have a regular segment on the advisability of sharing secrets with men.
Khan reads the scenarios aloud. The audience signal their answers by waving paddles with Keep/Tell on either side.
"You're out with the girls at the bar and bump into your ex-boyfriend, who looks really good. After a night of dancing with him, you share a kiss. The next morning you realize you made a mistake. Do you tell your current boyfriend about the kiss or keep it a secret?"
Keep quiet, Khan advises. "If you really regret doing it and are willing to do some self-examination of why it happened, there is no reason to devastate/hurt your partner."
So it's fine to cover your ex's face with burning kisses while clinging to him on the dance floor for hours on end. I get it. Makes perfect sense -- if current boyfriend is an idiot.
Hey, I don't watch Steven and Chris for the faultless logic. I'm there for the laughs and the women going gaga for Sabados.
Just once, I wish that would happen to me.
-- Postmedia News
