Stucco on you

WARNING! This column can be hazardous. It can lead to work. Hard work.

It just did for me, because in last week’s column, I showed you a very cool feature wall Lance Rayner created in their family sun room, using shiplap harvested from the old barn in their yard.

When my sunroom was originally added to my humble home, the exterior walls, that became interior walls, were covered with popcorn stucco, and just left as is. Looked fine to me for many years...until...I saw Lance’s wall.

Now I want mine the same. I know it will look great. And it’s a lot easier to hang pictures etc., on wood than it is on popcorn stucco. That stuff is like concrete. Maybe because it has cement in it?

I get a twinge of anxiety when the words stucco and cement come together. Back when I was a teenager, I was hired on as a plasterer’s labourer for a time. A short time. Surprisingly, I didn’t get fired, but I probably should have.

On the first morning on the job I was a tad hungover — I have no idea how that happened — and when I showed up for work, my new boss showed me how to make mud (stucco). I was to keep the plasterers well supplied. I did a fine job of it until the afternoon break, when I even got a nice compliment from the very Scottish plasterer who said to me, "You make great mud, it’s very easy to work wi’ye."

Translation: work with. He said it didn’t harden up too fast. I thought, "Well that’s good, I guess. Does it usually harden up quicker than this? Why isn’t mine?" I walked over to where I was mixing all this magic mud and reviewed my morning tutorial.

They had already applied popcorn stucco to nearly three complete walls of a brand new two storey house, when I very soberly realized I had added no cement to the mix whatsoever. None.

That was not a happy epiphany.

Believing I’d be fired when the boss checked in, I thought I may as well at least try and lighten the mood a bit, so when he showed up I said with a welcoming smile. "Hi, I saved you some money."

He smiled back, sort of, and said, "Y’did? How?"

I said, "See all the stucco on the house, I forgot to add cement to it."

He said, "I’ll count the bags."

He did and he was NOT happy. Nevertheless, it all worked out fine. Long story, too long to tell here, but boy did I learn to add cement when mixing mud.

But I digress. Incidentally, it was the same plasterer, years later, who applied the popcorn stucco to my house. I’ve always wondered if he added cement. Well, it hasn’t washed off, so let’s go with yes.

Part of the reason I’m so enthused about redoing my walls Lance style, is because I already have the wood.

The only problem is, it’s still firmly attached to the exterior of a friend’s old derelict house, and I have to remove it, slowly and carefully, so as not to destroy it in the process.

I can do it. Along with my plasterer’s labour gig, I also worked two full summers as a construction labourer. Worked on the Pioneer Building and the Wesdale HoteI, and they’re both still standing. I even still have the Sears hammer I bought to work those jobs. Wish I also still had the muscles. I’ve gone from rippling abs to rumpling abs. Better add sit-ups to the New Year’s Resolutions list.

The good thing about removing the siding? Lance is already very skilled at it. He’d love to help me. Right Lance? Lance?

I’m sure he will. In the meantime, Happy New Year gang, see you in 2021!

Comments and feedback always welcome.

lmustard1948@gmail.com